© 2001-2016 Surrendered Wife Empowered Woman Workshop™ St. Monday Inc./Laura Doyle Connect WHAT EXPRESSING YOUR DESIRES IS/ IS NOT Expressing Your Desires is NOT: Non-Example Expressing Your Desires IS: Example 1. Making requests. “You should eat later so that I can eat with you.” Saying what you’d like. “I’d like to eat later.” 2. Complaining/ Demanding – This is unattractive and will probably have him resist. “We are NOT going somewhere freezing again this year for vacation!” Saying what you prefer. When expressing your desires, you are sharing “an invitation,” rather than “an obligation.” “I’d would love to go somewhere warm & tropical on vacation.” 3. Asking him to do something – This is asking for a favor and could be a “nice way” of telling him what to do. He may resist. “Can you please wash the dishes?” “I’d really like you to do the dishes.” Saying what you want/don’t want. “I want to cook, but I don’t want to wash the dishes.” 4. Attaching expectations – Meaning you expect him to do what you want, just because you expressed your desire. You: I want to go to the party. Him: I’d rather not. I have to work tomorrow. You: (Huffing, puffing, and pouting) Fine! We never get to do what I want! Saying what you want, then “kissing it away. You can still go to the party, if you want to. Just don’t make him feel badly for not wanting to go, too. He’s only expressing his desires. You: I want to go to the party. Him: I’d rather not. I have to work tomorrow. You: OK. I think I’ll go for a little while. OR You: OK. 5. Saying “We need…” instead of “I want…” – This is unfair and “we” should only be used when you’re describing something that’s already been agreed to (i.e., “We’re going on vacation.” “We’re looking at houses.) “We need to go to counseling.” “We need to get new clothes for the vacation.” “We need to talk.” (No other words strike more resistance in a man!) Focusing on what you want or need, not on what you think the two of you “should” do. Make sure that you’re talking about something that doesn’t involve blaming, fixing, changing, or asking him to do something. Whatever you share needs to focus on what YOU want. “I would like to go to counseling.” “I would like to get some new outfits to take on vacation.” “I would like to talk about…” 

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Workshop-WHAT_EXPRESSING_YOUR_DESIRES_IS 2

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